155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech - O-hand (2023)

If you’re wrong and you shut up, you’re wise. If you’re right and you shut up, you’re married.

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there. Times haven’t changed at all!

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

They married for better or for worse.
He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Well, what can I tell you about the groom? I’ve known him for about 10 years, he’s handsome, intelligent, witty, charismatic. Sorry, wrong wedding.

Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

All marriages are mixed marriages.

Q: Why was that man twisting the wedding ring on his finger?
A: He was trying to figure out the combination.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage, and as soon as I learn what it
is I’ll get married again?

Arguing with your wife/husband is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end, you just give up and go ‘I agree.’

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
“Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Men are like buses.
They have spare tires and smell funny.

My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?”
Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Why can’t a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

The secret to having your husband come home from work on time? Tell him sex starts at 6 P.M. sharp—whether he’s there or not.

At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Before we got married, I caught her in my arms.
Now I catch her in my pockets.

Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. The very next day he received hundreds of letters that all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married?
The reception was terrific.

If I have to choose between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are easier to replace.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”
Wife: “I’m looking for a loophole.”

Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A wife accepts credit cards.

Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

(Giving a wedding speech) “There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish what they start…” (walks off)

What’s the difference between a wife and a job?
After 10 years, a job still sucks.

Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?

Why did Comic Sans break up with Times New Roman?
He just wasn’t her type.

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.

The Groom has informed me that the buffet this evening is charged on a cost-per-head basis. So, on his behalf, I’d like to thank the following people for not coming…

Husband: “Just once I wish you’d admit I’m right!
Wife: “Just once, I wish you’d admit you’re wrong!
Husband: “Fine! I’m wrong!”
Wife: “Finally, something you’re right about!”

The groom is a very talented man. Very talented indeed … He’s a gifted inventor, a shrewd businessman, a deep thinker and a noted connoisseur of the arts. He’s so talented he can fake all of that.

Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just didn’t have that spark.

May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

Is marriage just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin?

As Bill and Ted once said: ‘Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.’

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash.

Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get married.

A good marriage is like a casserole: only those responsible for it really know what goes into it.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.

Marriage is something that puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under a man’s eyes.

They’ve been together for so many years, instead of the Wedding March the organist should have played the Hallelujah Chorus!

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.

If at first you don’t succeed…try doing it the way your wife told you.

The secret to a happy marriage remains a secret.

May your children be blessed with rich parents.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

My wife says I’m too competitive. I told her I already knew that.

If I could just say a few words, I’d be a better public speaker!

Marriage is not a word.
It’s a sentence…a life sentence!

Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

May the most you wish for be the least you get.

Just listen up while I tell you about this couple, and I’ll make it seem like the shortest 45 minutes of your life

Wife renewed me for another season.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

A wise man once said, “I don’t know… ask my wife.”

Girlfriend: “Honey, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?”
Boyfriend: “Sure, what’s your number?”

May all of your ups and downs be only in the bedroom.

Why doesn’t our society let a man marry two wives?
Because our laws protect us from cruel and unusual punishment.

May your household multiply, and may your hearts never be divided.

Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to Ikea on a Saturday with an empty stomach is not.

This couple was married for 67 years. I asked them that if, in all those years, had they ever thought of divorce.
“Heavens no,” she replied. “Murder, yes. But never divorce.”

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!

To keep your marriage brimming with love in the loving cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job.
He still ends up with the same boss.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic, don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

Stewardess: “I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.”
Mr. Smith: “Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!”

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? Someday my prints will come!

Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you.

Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

Every man and woman should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

I’d now like to focus on the groom for a moment. Enjoy it, mate. After today, this is the last time you’ll ever be the center of attention.

Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

You’ll know you’ve mastered marriage when you ask your spouse to hand you ‘that thingy’ over there and they know exactly what you mean.

The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers
until today.

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, “After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days.”
“Did you hear that?” she asked her husband. “No sex for three days.”
“I heard,” he said. “But she was speaking to you.”

How is a wife like bacon?
They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!”

How is a wife like a freezer?
It takes hours of defrosting to get either really wet.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her.

What’s the secret to a happy marriage?
Find a woman who can cook and clean. A woman who’s an animal in bed. A woman with lots of money. Make sure these three women never meet.

Wife: “I love you.”
Husband: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “It’s me. Talking to the wine.”

What does every heterosexual man realize ten years into marriage?
Why “gay” also means happy.

What’s the difference between a bride-to-be and groom-to-be?
A bride-to-be wants a shower. A groom-to-be wants to get as dirty as possible before his Big Day.

How does a man really satisfy his wife in bed?
By sleeping on the sofa.

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.

You can end your toast by saying: “Bob, take Susie’s hand and place your hand over her’s. Now, remember and cherish this very moment… because this is the last time you are ever going to have the upper hand!”

This couple was married for 67 years. The husband/wife was asked if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. “Heavens no,” he/she replied. “Murder, yes. But never divorce.”

Self Defence
They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Grooms, once you marry, please remember that whenever you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember these two last words: “Yes dear”

My wife says I never listen, or something like that.

Marriage Is an Institution
in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Two cannon balls got married this morning. I hear they’re already expecting BBs.

10 Years
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Did you hear about the bald man who married his comb?
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”

Incomplete Man
A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

What do late nights, wild parties, and hanging out with friends on the weekend have in common?
You won’t be able to do any of those things from now on. But congratulations on your wedding!

It’s been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.

Ladies and Gentlemen: you are all about to witness a unique event in history. The very first and very last time that my wife is going to let me speak on behalf of both of us.

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, you’re either me (because I am) or you just married (groom’s name).

Here’s to you and here’s to me,
I hope we never disagree,
But if, perchance, we ever do,
Then here’s to me, and to hell with you.

IN LOVING MEMORY…
Before I start ladies and gentlemen, let us observe a few moments of silence in memory of the 3,000 prawns, 200 chickens, countless carnations, delphiniums, lilies and roses who selflessly gave their lives to make this wedding celebration possible.

Ladies and gentlemen, today we witnessed a unique event in history – it’s the first and presumably last time anyone has trusted me to give a speech!”

For newly married couples, there is a progression of rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering!

Let’s raise our glasses to the two secrets of a long-lasting marriage: a good sense of humor, and a short memory.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

I’m not a yes man to my wife – when she says no, I say no. It’s not so much who wears the pants, but how much money is in the pockets.

May you never lie, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie with each other. And if you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink with us. Cheers to the newlyweds!

We are gathered here today to honor something so truly magical, so truly unique and wonderful, that it simply had to be celebrated. I am, of course, talking about the doughnut wall.

She (the bride) loves the finer things in life. I overheard her when the minister was going through the vows – she said “What’s all this garbage about for richer or for poorer?”

Now, let’s raise our glasses to the happy couple. I actually like both of you—do you have any idea how rare that is?

Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.

We are all a little weird, and life is a little weird. And when we find someone, whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love.

They married for better or for worse – He couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse!
Darling, tonight you will sink into my arms and tomorrow your arms will be in my sink.

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers!

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Being asked to be someone’s best man is like being called up for jury duty.

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: “I never knew what compost was until I met my husband.”

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take.
The husband gives and the wife takes.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.